Top image: Benjamin Tan / RICE file photo
How many of us have heard our parents say, “I love you” out loud?
Often, it’s not spoken. Instead, it simmers in the sound of home-cooked meals, waiting long after you were supposed to be home.
It has the same hum of the car engine when parents give you a lift; it’s in the beep of the air-conditioning unit when they turn it off and tell you to wake up and shower.
“I love you” is interchangeable with “better wear sunscreen” or “pack an umbrella”. They know too well that rainy days arrive unexpectedly—they’ve endured the rainiest of days and kept us dry even as they get drenched.
If you want to see the tangibles, trace the weathered paths they’ve walked to the supermarket, where they sometimes overstocked on supplies to ensure that you’ll never lack. Open your archived messages with them—even those incredulous scam warning messages that they forwarded hold care and concern.
And so were the nuggets of wisdom that they eagerly offered. And so were the beatings that they dispensed.
They didn’t hear words of affirmation and love during their own childhoods, but they learned through observation how to knead love into their everyday tasks. Readers share how they’ve learned to recognise their parents’ love languages.
“My mum’s love language is taking care of the family’s health. She cooks up a very comforting chicken soup with my favourite potatoes whenever I am sick. She also leaves raw onions in my room because she believes it wards off illnesses. Sometimes when she veers into pseudo-science territory, I get a bit frustrated. But then I remind myself that she’s just trying her best to show that she cares.”
— Kimberly, 29
“My 60-year-old dad has been a motorcycle rider since his youth, and it’s thanks to him that I caught the two-wheeler bug. We don’t have anything else in common really—he’s a gearhead who likes fixing things with his hands while I’m more of a literature geek. We’ve never been able to talk deeply about anything; our conversations usually revolve around ‘Have you eaten’ or ‘How’s work’. Never have we said to each other ‘I love you’.
But I know he does because he has this habit of inspecting my motorbike at our multi-storey carpark. Whenever he comes home, he’s always commenting on the state of my Yamaha XSR—telling me that I need to fix up the brakes or check my engine oil level or even offering to tighten the clutch lever.
Earlier this week, he even refused to let me ride to work in the heavy rain. It’s just his way of showing he cares deeply and wants me to be safe. Thanks Dad, here’s to riding to Thailand together one day.”
— Arif, 30
“When they caned me, they would say things like ‘this hurts me more than it hurts you’ and ‘next time you’ll understand’.
And I did eventually understand. I remember meeting pampered kids who blew all their university fees that their parents gave them in one shot. I’m glad I was taught better than that.”
— Karon, 44
“When I have dinner at my parents’, they won’t let me leave without boxes upon boxes of food. That’s not as bad as this recruit I knew when I was serving National Service, whose parents gave him an entire ginseng root to bring into his army camp when he booked in. Naturally, his commanders had a field day when they inspected his field pack.”
— Andrew, 38
“My parents have beaten me with a cane, a belt, a hanger and even a screwdriver heated over a stove. I don’t condone physical abuse, but I was a mischievous child who had to learn to respect boundaries. Today, I often ask myself if my decisions or behaviour are wrong or stupid.”
— Elijah, 35
“I have an aunt who still chides us with ‘better take care’ in a loud and stern voice. To us, we know that ‘better take care’ unspokenly condenses ‘sleep early’, ‘drink less alcohol’, ‘stop smoking’, ‘don’t work too hard’, ‘eat healthy’ and so on.
Although she’s adamant that we heed these commands, they’re rooted in love. Her unquestionable love shines through at important family occasions, where she’s the one who arranges the flowers, pays the caterer, and ferries the guests.”
— Nene, 35
“My dad sends me boomer good morning images. It’s nice to know that he cares enough to spam me.”
— Naomi, 32
“When I was freelancing, I used to be quite foolish with my spending. ‘Make sure you top up your CPF because next time when you’re 35, you’ll need to buy a flat as a single,’ my parents would say to me. I was rebellious and refused to change. Only in hindsight did I realise the love that went into their nagging, which made me start saving.”
— Robin, 33
“They would ask, ‘What do you want to eat, I make for you’. Actions over words. Cooking and spending time together was their way of showing love. Not by saying it or by touch, but being there, providing, cooking and sharing meals. Now, I subconsciously do that as well.”
— Zaki, 44
“My mother helps me hand-wash laundry I can’t put in the washing machine but don’t have time to wash myself. My father saves me odds and ends that he knows I will like to collect or will find useful.”
— Geraldine, 34
“My parents will fetch me from the MRT station even though it takes about the same time to get home by bus.”
— Ningfei, 33
“My dad would give me neck massages after I had a long day at work or lightly cup my face in his hands. I have children of my own now and he still does it to me and my kids too. Somehow, the physical touch is very soothing, as if to remind you that you have a home to return to at the end of the day.”
— Wei En, 38
