Top image: Zachary Tang / RICE file photo
The Overachiever’s Guide is a new monthly column dedicated to excellence and accomplishment in all aspects of life in Singapore. Whether it’s essential life skills or questionable life choices, we help you to stay ahead of the bell curve.
We will proceed systemically and alphabetically, starting with Ass.
Public urination: an unlikely new villain in Singapore’s battle for order. No space is safe when three MRT stations have turned into splash zones within a week. All eyes are on PM Lawrence Wong as he tackles a crisis he never thought he’d need to direct others to mop up.
But as we turn our gaze outward, let’s not neglect the issue behind—literally. Ass hygiene remains Singapore’s most unspoken public health gap, with bidet adoption (in public loos, at least) lagging far behind what we deserve as a first-world nation. Considering how much we love going to Japan for various reasons, there is a proclamation worth bringing up amid current conversations about cleanliness and order.
For those who are serious about ass hygiene, a bidet is non-negotiable.
If you can’t accept this, you should stop reading. Meta no longer fact-checks, but your asshole never lies. Even the softest, most pliable 17-sheet AI-powered toilet roll cannot match the raw cleansing power of pressurised water.
Trust me, I know. Once upon a time, I was a bidet sceptic just like you. I was content with a crusty asshole and Dubai chocolate in my boxers. Then, I bought a house with an attached Hans Grohe Bidet and my life was forever changed—for the better. Like the Apostle Saul riding his horse to Damascus, I fell ass first into enlightenment and salvation.
Today, my butthole is cleaner than the SilverKris Lounge at Changi Airport. You can lick hummus off it and not feel a need to wash. My quality of life has improved, my relationships are flourishing, and I no longer feel a need to criticise the government on Reddit.
At night I sleep soundly because I don’t just believe that my ass is clean. I know it for a certainty.
(As a bonus, you can also use your bidet to power wash your toilet bowl in case you have a sticky poop.)
However, RICE is not a company of Bidet Ultras. We recognise there are certain scenarios where bidets are neither available nor desirable. Not all public toilets are equipped with bidets, and not all bidets are made equal.
On that note, not all asses are made equal too. Many among us suffer from skin allergies, which make excessive power washing taboo. Don’t dismiss their concerns until you’ve suffered a month of ass-crack eczema—or the sheer awkwardness of bending over for your dermatologist at 2:15 in the afternoon.
In such cases, should you then compromise on the cleanliness of your ass? Fuck no. This country was not built on maybes and compromises. LKY will rise like Nosferatu if he smells such complacency.
Luckily for us, however, there are plenty of attractive alternatives for on-the-go ass hygiene.
Baby wipes are the simplest and most obvious solution. A dazzling smorgasbord of ass-specific wipes is available on NTUC or Amazon.sg, where your $300 GST voucher can be spent. Just keep in mind two important points:
1) Flushable wipes do not live up to their promise. Your quest for a pristine posterior should not cause pain for others. If you want to use them, please dispose of them outside the drainage system.
2) Choose a brand that’s friendly to sensitive skin. Everyone thinks they have thick skin, but your asshole is special and should be treated like a princess. This is because your anus is not just a regular epidermis but a layer of mucosa with receptors which respond to different types of stimuli. They’ve already suffered enough from last night’s decisions at Haidilao. It is cruel to aggravate them further with something alcoholic or astringent.
Personally, my go-to is a bottle of Meridian The Spray. Ever since it was re-gifted to me by a colleague, I’ve never looked back. The spray is pH-balanced, nice-smelling, and portable enough to fit into most Uniqlo-standard pockets.
For optimal results, spray a little on your asshole and wipe with regular toilet paper. This is the Goldilocks solution between the bidets and the Cloversoft roll—offering all the convenience of paper balanced with the cleansing efficacy of added moisture. Good enough for 99 percent of bowel movements, even though I have haemorrhoids and severe dermatitis. Think of it as a postpartum care Peri bottle, but allowing you to exert additional friction for speed and efficiency.
If the US$24 price tag is delaying your BTO purchase, you don’t even need the brand name. In most cases, plain water in a Daiso mini-bottle is good enough.
This is simply how I practice daily self-care—with expensive internet purchases that make no sense.
Of course, there is more to butt cleaning than sprays, bidets and wipes. Truly holistic ass cleanliness does not happen in the toilet, just like how abs are not made in the gym. There’s water intake, fibre levels and even social media consumption. There’s the question of your emotional well-being and stress levels, which can transform even the smoothest, creamiest Christmas logcake into a howling cactus.
However, that’s enough for this shitpost. Think about it. Digest it. Figure out what works for you because there’s no one-size-shits-all solution. Just remember the Golden Shower Rule: Don’t be an asshole. And don’t be an asshole to your asshole.
