Top image: Stephanie Lee / RICE File Photo
The Ministry of Health’s (MOH) war on sugar is still waging on. Now they’re starting a war on salt. Packaged salt, sauces, seasonings, instant noodles, and cooking oil will soon get their very own Nutri-Grade labels to denote how healthy they are.
Sweetened drinks will no longer be the only items in the grocery store to bear the dubious honour of having a letter grade slapped on them.
But why stop there? Let’s just give everything a grade while we’re at it.
Nutri-Grade (Yes, We’re Grading Nutri-Grade)
Nutri-Grade: C
You’re telling me that Coke Zero is Nutri-Grade B but full-fat milk is Nutri-Grade C? Make it make sense.
That Viral TikTok Cucumber Salad
Nutri-Grade: A
This has soy sauce and MSG in it (MOH, avert your eyes), but by god, it’s good. We’re giving this an A because eating your veggies is healthy, even if it takes a little sprinkling of sodium.
Joining a Run Club
Nutri-Grade: B
You might be thinking: What does Nutri-Grade have to do with running? Well, like I said in the pre-amble, we’re grading everything. So just stick with me.
Before this year, the longest I’d ever run in one go was 2.4km. Now, I’m running 4km on the regular. I can’t explain it. When you hit 30, you start running from your problems—literally and figuratively. A switch just flips in your brain, and it happens: You start buying your first pair of running shoes, strapping the Garmin on your wrist, and downloading the Strava app. I don’t make the rules. As coping mechanisms go, running is actually pretty good for your cardiovascular and mental health. Just don’t destroy your knees.
Looking for Love on Dating Apps
Nutri-Grade: D
People, please come up with something more interesting than “looking for someone to delete this app together” and “long, romantic walks to the fridge”. And nobody cares whether you think pineapples belong on pizza. Slim pickings on the apps may induce severe pessimism and lead you to join a run club as a coping mechanism. Consume at your own risk.
Having Kids
Nutri-Grade: C
It’s enriching, sure. But kids may cause an increase in blood pressure and stress levels. Probably best in limited doses.
Financial Aid for Retrenched Workers
Nutri-Grade: A
See how the government’s providing up to $6,000 to involuntarily unemployed workers? Very mindful. Very helpful. Worrying about feeding your family while job-hunting or upskilling is not fun. It might have taken the government a year to work out the details since SM Lee Hsien Loong first raised the topic at National Day Rally 2023, but better late than never.
The New Brandy Melville Store
Nutri-Grade: F
No matter how your TikTok FYP tries to influence you, splurging on one-size-fits-all fast fashion is not healthy for your wallet. I’m not trying to yuck anyone’s yum, but maybe rethink giving your money to a company that’s been accused of racism, fatphobia, and mistreatment of its workers?
Real Estate and Property Agents
Nutri-Grade: B- (Hey, maybe real Nutri-Grade ratings should have half grades, too.)
Hear me out. They get a bad rep, but there are some agents out there who are actually trying to do right by their clients. And maybe the collective hate the public seems to have for property agents stems more from the sky-high property prices. When buying a property is already obscenely expensive, carving out two percent of that for the agent’s commission feels like cutting off a pound of your flesh.
Skibidi Toilet
Nutri-Grade: Skibi-D
How do you quantify social media brainrot and assign it a letter grade? I don’t know. I’m too busy being a sigma and looksmaxxing. Do I have rizz yet? Or do I have negative aura?
Mustafa Centre (the 24-Hour Version)
Nutri-Grade: A+
Mustafa is an institution where you can find anything and everything for an affordable price, and it is this millennial’s Disneyland. For the first time since the pandemic hit, the beloved department store is returning to 24-hour operations. This is it: The truest indication that the pandemic is well and truly over.
Rice (the Food)
Nutri-Grade: A
Yes, yes, there are other grains that are better for you. But without this staple carb, there is no Hainanese chicken rice, nasi padang, nasi lemak, nasi goreng, or cai fan. This cornerstone of Asian food deserves nothing less than an ‘A’ grade.
Rice (the Publication)
Nutri-Grade: A(?)
Not to toot our own horn—or ownself grade ownself—but we try our best to feed your mind. In a world of fast-food content, consuming some homecooked rice might be the healthier choice.
