Top image: Ren QingTao / Unsplash
Did you enjoy last week’s abnormally cold weather?
If you did, I’m here to tell you that you are doing it wrong. As a self-proclaimed expert who has chilled to the bone in many countries and under different aircon settings, here is a step-by-step guide on the correct way to put the win in Singapore’s so-called winter.
Step 1 – Reality Check
Take out your phone to check if this is real.
Singapore has no chill, and it’s important to make sure that you are not a) still dreaming or b) caught pneumonia from your room’s powderful aircon.
Step 2 – Sweater Up
Once you are sure it is the weather and not the first sign of a lung infection, it is time to rejoice. Make it rain with all the hoodies, sweaters and socks you bought on Taobao.
Your family chastised you for your purchase, and your friends gave you a weird look. But they were wrong. That $300 jacket was never a waste of money.
Step 3 – Go Outside
Go for a stroll in your $300 jacket and fancy printed socks. Indulge in the rare luxury of walking faster than 2km/h without dying of heat stroke. Visit all the far-flung places in your neighbourhood that were previously inaccessible due to sweltering noonday temperatures.
Step 4 – Global Warming
Talk to your friends about the weather. In Singapore, weather-related small talk usually circles around how fucking hot the weather is and the classic “When is the Uber coming oh my God I am melting under this sun!”
This is a rare opportunity to say something different. Do not squander it by saying “Damn cold sia”. Flaunt your knowledge of world geography with references to global warming and ‘wind chill’ even though you live in a densely-packed HDB estate where wind is an unrealised concept.
Step 5 – Cold-shame
Cold-shame your friends who dare to say “Damn cold sia”. Turn this into an ego trip so you can show off your tough tolerance for cold things. Appropriate responses include:
“Please lah, like this also cold meh”
“Weak sia, this is not even 20 degrees.”
“This is not cold. This is just nice. Okay?”
To add insult to injury, buy an ice-cold frappuccino and drink it in front of those shivering weaklings. No matter how painful the brainfreeze, stare unflinchingly into their eyes as you drink to assert dominance.
Do not forget to remove your jacket before you do this.
Step 6 – Humble-brag
Show off your cosmopolitan sensibilities by comparing Singapore’s weather to Germany, Canada or some other temperate country.
Impress upon those filthy peasants that you are a sophisticated globetrotter by telling them that this ‘cold’ is nothing compared to what you suffered in the UK.
If they should chance on a reference to Hong Kong or Australia, put them in their place with a story about that holiday in Sweden when you had to put on 17 layers and wade through a frozen lake to reach your Airbnb.
Step 7 – Fashion Shame
Judge the shit out of those people who do not share your immaculate taste in winter clothing. Laugh at them for wearing a down jacket with their shorts. Mock them for fancy socks that clash with their sweater.
Lastly, show those frogs in the well the proper way to don #fallfashion by riding the MRT in your $300 jacket and Burberry scarf that most definitely did not come from Shenzhen.
Step 8 – Shitpost
Repost low-effort ‘Winter is Coming’ memes to gain social validation. Get angry when your friend’s Frozen memes gain more traction.
Step 9 – Get an MC
Although this cold is absolutely nothing, visit your family GP and take an MC after the inevitable flu.
When your boss asks why you missed the Monday client meeting, blame it on the weather. Or blame it on HDB’s poor insulation. Blame it on everything except the fact that you had gone out on Saturday night and downed nine shots of Jagermeister.
If he points out that you are the only person who called in sick, disabuse him of his privilege and claim that you never got a chance to visit cold countries in your childhood.
Once your boss backs off, curl up in bed and sleep until 4 PM.
Step 10 – Grieve
Wake up and check your phone for weather updates. When the news report announces an impending end to cool weather, rip apart your totally genuine Burberry scarf and weep quietly into the torn fabric.
Life will never be the same again now that the weather has returned to what it was for the last 20 years.
Step 11 – Emigrate
Turn on the aircon and wistfully check Japan’s immigration laws.
