Top image: Zachary Tang / RICE file photo
The Overachiever’s Guide is a monthly column dedicated to excellence and accomplishment in all aspects of life in Singapore. Whether it’s essential life skills or questionable life choices, we help you to stay ahead of the bell curve.
Previously, we gave you a guide to being a Proud Single. Now, with International Women’s Day upon us, here’s a guide to being the worst male ally possible. (For legal and ethical reasons, this article is a joke.)
To be a handsome, hyper-intelligent, and universally admired writer thought-leader like me, you must first become a Real Man.
The truth is, women don’t want to date or work with weak-ass string-cheese betas. They want strength, leadership, and poorly-reasoned arguments to be expressed with total confidence at maximum volume.
That’s why I’m doing my part for International Women’s Day by helping men to better themselves. To start, they can emulate the best man I know: me.
Mansplain.
Listening is for betas. Sigma men don’t listen. Not to women. Not to other men. Not to their own emotions. Instead, treat every conversation like a zero-sum competition because one sentence spoken = one point scored.
Win enough points in the Yap Olympics and people will love you because damn, aren’t you simply the best at explaining the finer points of crypto, geopolitics, the Criterion Collection, or the subtleties of waterproof tiling.
This is how all conversations should work. Do you think your cavemen ancestors listened to the hoofbeats of antelopes? No way. They became apex predators by talking at deer until the creatures lost the will to live. It is known.
Gaslight.
Real men don’t make mistakes, and the best way to avoid mistakes is to never admit them. Doing so would mean the end of the world.
So instead of saying “Sorry I was wrong”, create a planet-sized conspiracy to justify your world view and reinforce your beliefs. If women can have a safe space, your delusions deserve one too. Here are a few examples you can try:
❌ I forgot our anniversary.
✅ Anniversaries are a social construct, invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
❌ I interrupted you during the meeting.
✅ I was enhancing the conversation.
❌ I crashed the car.
✅ Gravity did this. Take it up with Newton.
❌ My article is not funny.
✅ Regular Singaporeans don’t know how to appreciate my sophisticated sense of humour.
Feelings.
No matter what anyone says, do NOT believe in therapy. Vulnerability is a gateway to (gasp) self-awareness.
Be on your guard. Don’t show any feelings. Don’t respond to them. Don’t let your emotions be used as ammunition.
Every relationship is a court of law, and your feelings are Exhibit A in the case against you. You will be cross-examined, sentenced, and—the very worst of all—expected to apologise.
If you need to form connections with other human beings, do so in the safe and correct manner by talking about DOTA, gym, memecoins, and which NS unit you served in.
Rinse, repeat, and repress your feelings hormonal imbalances until you’ve forgotten how to express anything except pure outrage.
Labour.
Washing the dishes? Making the bed? Showering in the morning before work? Such petty chores are beneath your status as a man of average intellect and mediocre physique.
I mean, why is it your job to manage such tedious things like remembering birthdays, arranging a colleague’s farewell card or bringing your partner to orgasm?
Surely your unique talents deserve better. Surely you are meant for greater things. Like reposting Jordan Peterson quotes on spicy Telegram channels, making protein shakes, and complaining about cancel culture.
Focus on the most important thing in your life—you. When people call you selfish, remind them that’s just, like, their opinion, man. And their opinion doesn’t matter. Because you’re a man.
Entitlement.
Lastly and most importantly, remember what you’re entitled to as a man, regardless of season or circumstance.
Simply by virtue of existing in this world, you deserve affection and attention. No matter your looks, status, or ability to hold a conversation for more than five minutes, you are a prize.
If women choose to ignore you, it’s clearly because they’ve been corrupted and brainwashed. By feminism, TikTok, Esther Perel, the Women’s Charter, Haidilao, Hollywood and worst of all, Other Women.
There’s a zero percent chance that they’re absolutely disgusted by you. Because if that were true—it would mean that you are not God’s personal gift to womankind. And everyone knows that’s impossible.
Happy International Women’s Day.
