Top image: Stephanie Lee / RICE File Photo
Divorce is no longer a dirty word for many younger folks. But, interestingly, pre-nuptial agreements are still a taboo topic, Gloria James Civetta, a lawyer and CDC (certified divorce coach) tells me.
When things are going well in a relationship, we tend to avoid all thoughts of it falling apart with a conviction that approximates superstition. When things start to sour, we try to make it work without even broaching the D-word.
But ultimately, we fear that laying the administrative groundwork to make separation easy—even if said separation isn’t likely—will jinx things. It’s kind of like the Bali curse. Or getting your lover’s name tattooed.
That’s probably why we rarely look into divorce and what it entails before tying the knot.
It makes sense. Nobody gets married thinking they’ll divorce. But 6,849 couples in Singapore found themselves divorcing in 2023. A further 269 annulled their marriages. To put things in perspective, the number of marriages here is typically in the high 20,000s each year. That’s quite a significant number of once-happy couples—I assume—calling it quits.
What follows is often months of mediation and negotiations. If both parties are amenable, a divorce can take as quickly as five to six months. But in cases where the divorce is contested, the affair can quickly turn messy and span years, Gloria says.
Getting ‘divorced well’ can sound like an oxymoron to some people. After all, 42.8 percent of Singaporeans say divorce is never or seldom justifiable, according to the World Values Survey (WVS) published in 2021.
But this isn’t a story about the morality of divorce. Rather, this is a guide to the nitty gritty of the divorce process that we rarely talk about. Mileage may vary, but divorce can be for the betterment of families. And there are choices that couples—especially those with children—can make to make it easier on themselves.
Treating divorce like a taboo topic isn’t going to save marriages. It just means that people in unhappy marriages need to look harder for resources and support.
If you’re contemplating divorce, figuring out how to support your loved ones, or simply curious, here are some pearls of wisdom from my conversation with Gloria.
RICE Media: When is marriage no longer worth the work?
Gloria: When you have attempted marital counselling, and the counsellor shares that it will take many sessions to put the marriage on the track of reconciliation.
Sometimes you need to face that once broken it will remain broken. Especially when you lose trust and respect for each other.
How is a divorce coach different from a counsellor or therapist?
A counsellor discusses your past and will use the information to form a basis for who you are now and listen to your crisis. However, a coach is your guide during your divorce journey keeping you future-focused and helping you find your best self.
For example, how are they going to have that conversation with their partner about divorce? I may go through a rehearsal with them and coach them on how they can deal with it. What if their spouse pushes their buttons? How should they react? You don’t want to be throwing plates and water at the other party. So that’s where my help comes in.
Just because I’m a divorce coach doesn’t mean that I’m going to force you to divorce. I’m there to provide you with the big picture so you can be in control of your own life. For some clients, they may feel that this is not the right time to divorce, but at least they are prepared for the journey.
For example, some clients tell me their child is going to do PSLE this year. For some, if it can wait, we tell them: “Don’t come to me until after PSLE is completed.”
Even with the introduction of Divorce by Mutual Agreement this July, divorce isn’t a simple matter. What are the usual difficulties and complications?
Anyone filing for divorce can choose to file it as a fault-based divorce, a no-fault divorce, or an agreed divorce, which is where the DMA kicks in.
Fault-based divorce typically refers to cases involving adultery or unreasonable behaviour.
In the case of a no-fault divorce, we still need to show that the couple has been separated for three or four years. So, of course, the clients start scratching their heads. Sometimes, even though they live in separate bedrooms, it doesn’t mean that they don’t really behave like a married couple. They still continue with a semblance of family life. Thus they get annoyed that they can’t even use this fact to divorce.
Usually, one party would then have to say, “Okay, if that’s the case, then you just say whatever you want about me, and I’ll accept it so that we can move with the divorce.”
So a DMA isn’t as simple as it sounds?
Most of us in the field thought that when DMA kicked in, the divorce process would be easier, but actually, that’s far from the truth—the process is difficult.
There are requirements imposed. For example, parties must show they have made efforts to reconcile and settle ancillary issues such as child custody and division of assets. This means that for some parties who fear the other spouse, it will be difficult to get a DMA. They would simply have to kick-start the process on the standard track.
And if you’ve forgotten the details of your counsellor, or you don’t know the dates, you risk your papers being rejected by the court.
Something that may look simple isn’t simple at all. And that’s enough to cause them emotional distress.
And at the end of the day, we always tell the client that when they get the final judgment, it just says the marriage between A and B has now been dissolved. It doesn’t tell you on which fact.
Once they understand the process, they take the position that, okay, let’s not quibble too much. Let’s try to get this done in as little time as possible.
The DMA route is suitable if both parties have seen a counsellor, realised that the marriage cannot be saved and that they are better off being co-parents than partners. They also need to be able to discuss issues and arrive at a settlement. But efforts of both parties together with their respective lawyers are needed to achieve the results.
Does it ever get to the point where you can see that the divorce proceedings are affecting their work? What is your advice?
We have seen clients who say that they are unable to do their work, or they can’t give 100 percent to it.
I still remember one client who set aside quite a lot of his time from work to focus on the case. I said to him, “Don’t do that.” You don’t want this to be your only focus. Your focus should be trying to spend as much time as you can with the child, and at the same time, do your job.
On the one hand, you might feel that you’re channelling yourself into the matter, but on the other hand, you could compromise your own case. Technically, you’re reducing your ability to maintain—a drop in income will affect the child’s maintenance.
Don’t think that if your income is lesser, it means you’re going to pay less for the child’s maintenance. That can have a negative impact on your case. So we usually tell them: Be strong. Don’t let this overwhelm you.
Should divorce be easier?
Divorcing in Singapore is not easy. It should be made easier.
In other countries and jurisdictions like the UK and Australia, they have done away with fault-based divorce. The parties just have to show they’ve been living separately for one year before filing for divorce. So Singapore still has a conservative position.
Say a married couple has decided to part ways. What are your tips to ensure a smooth and fuss-free divorce?
Try pre-divorce negotiations, collaborative practice, and mediation. Communicate and strive to reach an amicable settlement.
I would also recommend talking to a divorce coach before engaging a lawyer because you need to understand what divorce entails. It would be good to have someone with the background knowledge to help you through the process.
Is it advisable to seek advice online?
Always consult a lawyer or a divorce coach.
There are misconceptions and wrong information on the forums. For example, they say that a father would never get custody of the child. That’s not true. Another misconception is that if my name is listed as a joint tenant of a property, I’m entitled to 50 percent. It doesn’t work that way.
You may feel that hiring a lawyer is expensive, but not consulting the right lawyer could have even greater consequences.
That advice you get is valuable because it tells you things like where you should compromise.
In my practice, we have a number of cases where we are undoing the damage done by misinformation. That’s more painful and more costly.
How can divorced couples break the news to people around them?
I have seen some clients who try to keep up the appearance of being married. That means even though they are divorced, they find that they’re not ready to tell their in-laws or parents. They still attend functions together.
It’s quite sad living on this false pretence, but for some of them, they feel that they’re willing to do it as long as it doesn’t give them a headache.
On a more positive note, quite a number of times when we have inquiries, the potential client will come with their best friend. It’s pretty encouraging to see. I’ve also received some feedback from clients that more people now are supportive of divorcees.
