Brown Rice is the Most Un-Singaporean Thing You Can Eat

Top image credit: Cupcakes & Curries

During the 2017 National Day Rally, PM Lee Hsien Loong urged Singaporeans to eat less white rice, or switch to brown or mixed rice. In fact, it feels like that was the only thing anyone actually remembers him talking about.

But honestly. Does this man really think he can take our white rice away?

What’s going to happen? Are we now going to live in a world where we can no longer lecture the younger generations, saying, “I eat more salt than you eat rice”? Would this analogy still work if said rice was not white but brown?

These dishes prove what’s really at stake here; what parts of our culture we stand to lose forever if we actually start doing this whole brown rice thing.

1. Nasi Lemak

Imagine pandan and coconut infused brown rice with a hefty dollop of sambal chili on top. Is your mouth not watering? Are you cringing? Crying? Do you need to call your therapist?

2. Chicken Rice

Do we even need to describe how disgusting this will be? You may just as well replace the chilli with ketchup.

Sure, we have our preference for either white chicken or roast chicken. But if there’s one thing we all eat, it’s white rice.

3. Ba Zhang

Unfortunately, these abominations already exist. Some of you may even have been unlucky enough to consume one by accident this past Dumpling Festival.

And I’m sure we can all agree: they DON’T WORK.

No one’s gonna judge you for wanting only salted egg yolks in your dumplings, or insisting you want at least 3 chestnuts in them. But if you actually enjoy ba zhangs made with brown rice, please don’t call yourself Singaporean.

4. Zi Char

The best part of every zi char meal comes at the end, when you have about a spoonful left of rice to wipe up all the gravy that’s been left behind. Not to mention the different variations of fried rice that only work because they use white rice.

Think back to every amazing zi char experience you’ve ever had. Now replace the white rice in those memories with brown rice.

Sorry for the week’s worth of nightmares.

5. Nasi Padang

Why fix something if it ain’t broke?

I know what crispy skinned ayam goreng, spicy sotong, beef rendang, assam fish, bergedel and sayur lodeh all go perfectly with.

Guess what? It’s not brown rice.

6. Nasi Goreng

Look, the rice is already fried. Using brown rice in this dish is like reserving the Presidential election for Malays. You think you’re doing yourself a favour, but you’re really missing the fucking point.

Fried brown rice is not going to negate the fact that you just inhaled more than 600 calories in one sitting.

7. Teochew Porridge

Perfect on a cold day or when you’re down with a flu!

Until it’s made of brown rice.

No amount of peanuts, omelette, Ikan bilis, fatty pork, salted vegetables or repentance can salvage this dish.

8. Nasi Biryani

Sure, you might argue that this is basmati rice. Not technically white rice. But you know what, it’s NOT brown rice.

Some would argue that biryani is the mother of all rice dishes. And we’re happy to let whoever these people are win this argument, as long as brown rice stays out of the equation.

So, if you haven’t gotten it by now, you don’t fuck with these dishes. Not because it destroys the comforting flavours we love so much, but because this threatens our racial harmony by removing the one thing that we all have in common: eating white rice with dishes.

Not only is brown rice more expensive, we also can’t imagine our grandparents cooking any of these dishes with brown rice. So every time we choose to have brown rice, guess what?

We’re shitting on everything our ancestors have done to make Singapore what it is today.