Singapore’s Biggest Disappointments of 2017
- Current Affairs
In keeping with this year’s theme, everything will be judged according to my new and highly-scientific ‘SMRT Disruption Index’ for measuring unhappiness. It starts at 1 breakdown for ‘slight disappointment’ and ends at 10 breakdowns for ‘Absolute Fucking Bishan’. Happy Holidays.
(1) KFC Chizza
Only KFC can make 1 + 1 equals -4.
Verdict: 1 Train Breakdown
Thank you for giving up two years of your life, please enjoy this lousy train ride on a train that breaks down half the time. To redeem our generous offer (worth approximately $1.80), you must wear your uniform and give NS50 free publicity because it’s the least you can do after we made everyone in Singapore awkwardly salute you.
(3) McDonald’s Cheesy Loaded Fries
Who knew that you could bungle cheese fries so badly? You had one job, McDonald’s, and that was to squeeze cheese onto our potatoes. And you fucked it up. There was more toothpaste on my toothbrush this morning than there was cheese on your “cheese fries”. I guess the Nasi Lemak Burger’s viral success must have really gone to your head.
Verdict: 6 Train Breakdowns
(4) Presidential Election
Deep down, everyone knew that Halimah Yacob would eventually ‘win’, but we still enjoyed the illusion of choice, however fleeting. This election was like going to the cai png stall and watching the auntie throw away everything except the fish. It was still good fish, to be fair, but there was really no need to set the tofu on fire.
Verdict: 5 Train Breakdowns
On the first day, the queue was too long, so I gave up. On the second day, there was no queue but also no cheese tea available. On the third day, I finally got it by walking 30 minutes to an ulu outlet and patiently fossilizsing for another 20 minutes… only to realise that I’d wasted my life. The “cheese” was just a inferior copy of Gongcha’s creamy foam.
In any case, LiHo was doomed to fail because ‘Cheese Tea’ is a paradox. Make real cheese tea that tastes like mature cheddar and people will hate you for giving them diarrhea. Make a fake version, like LiHo did, and people will hate you anyway for failing to deliver on the hype.
Verdict: 3 Train Breakdowns
I am reluctant to include SGsecure because someone needs to believe in you before you can disappoint them. Our counter-terrorism app never had a chance because it was a joke from day one.
(7) Oxley Road Saga
Imagine my disappointment when 38 Oxley was cancelled after only 10 episodes and the season finale was a boring stalemate. Where are the dragons? Why wasn’t Lee Hsien Yang beheaded in front of a booing crowd? Where are the twists, back-stabbings and shocking revelations that were promised in your pilot episode?
Worst TV show of 2017. Do not watch.
Verdict: 6 Train Breakdowns
Verdict: 9 Train Breakdowns
In 2017, you witness disappointment everywhere. It’s the tired frown of every commuter who waits fruitlessly for a train that is two minutes away 10 minutes ago. It’s the angry scowl of the elderly uncle squashed against a wall of humanity without a handrail to hold on to.
You can even find it reflected in the darkness of your own screen, which you have locked with a sigh because Grab costs $35.00.
Verdict: Infinite Breakdowns
(10) The Media
I almost forgot about this one until Minister Khaw Boon Wan reminded me about it when we met for lunch last Thursday.
Our media has unfortunately lost its integrity in 2017. These days, journalists are more interested in publishing sensational fake news when they should be reporting on that one time that SMRT didn’t break down or collide. Sad.
Verdict: Trains did not breakdown. Everything is running smoothly.