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Image credit: SMRT Blog

On 5th December, SMRT Chairman and Designated Bishan Flooding Scapegoat Mr. Seah Moon Ming left his role as Pavilion Energy CEO to better focus on SMRT.

In response, SMRT employees from all over Singapore have declared that they will follow his good example by leaving their families behind, so that they too can better concentrate on saving the troubled canal management company.

Mr. Tan Wei Ming, 48, a maintenance engineer and father of three, made the decision known via his family’s whatsapp group.

In his message, Mr. Tan expressed regret that he will no longer be able to moonlight as a father and spouse, but he also indicated that it was always his intention to prioritise Chairman Seah’s legacy over caring for his loved ones.

“It was a difficult decision to make,” he said, “But I need to really focus on my important role of taking the blame for senior management’s cockups.”

Now that he no longer needs to help with laundry or his daughter’s math homework, Mr. Tan is ready to be thrown under the bus for service disruptions at a moment’s notice, thus freeing those above to lead the more important task of reshaping SMRT’s problematic company culture.

His wife, Mdm. Annie How, has begun a “global executive search” for the now vacant position of ‘Surrogate Father’. Shortlisted candidates include Mdm How’s senile mother-in-law, a fiercely protective German Shepherd named Thomas, and a 64GB Ipad armed with the latest educational apps.

Filipino domestic helper Jasmine was once considered a frontrunner for the role, but negotiations broke down over her exorbitant salary demands, rumored to be in the three figures.

“I am sad to see my husband go,” Mdm How’s statement read, “But he left this family in a very strong position. I know my two teenage daughters and infant son will eventually bounce back from their absent father, who has a special place in his heart for them despite disappearing into the tunnels forever.”

Mr. Tan’s actions, however noble, are not at all unusual. Many SMRT employees have been similarly inspired by Mr. Seah Moon Ming to make their own sacrifices.

Mr. Ibrahim bin Aquarman, a 59-year-old station manager, woke up from his 3-year coma after learning of Chairman Seah’s actions via a CNA broadcast in his ward.

Despite missing a lung, he immediately returned to work because nothing is more important than his family knowing that SMRT is safe and sound.

“I am very ashamed. How could I sleep for so many years while Chairman Seah was forced to work two jobs to support his family?” he asked, wiping the tears from his oxygen mask.

SMRT’s Public Relations manager Ms Grace Yeoh has also decided she was not contributing enough.

To live up to Chairman Seah’s example, she has broken off with her longtime fiancee so that evenings and weekends can be better spent baking brownies for transport reporters, praying to the god of resignalling projects and being ever more deeply sorry for the inconvenience caused.

“It’s the least I can do!” she said, before bowing to the waist and offering the reporter a freshly-baked brownie in the shape of Khaw Boon Wan.

In other related news, SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek is still missing in action. His family appeals to anyone who might have information of his whereabouts to come forward to the police.

To the best of their knowledge, Mr. Kuek is of sound mind and able body. He was last seen chained to the wall of Temasek’s Boardroom during a team-bonding exercise.

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