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Dear Kelleigh,

One of the main reasons my friend is getting married is so she can appear happier than her ex. As much as I want to support her, I feel responsible to advise her against it too. Should I just mind my own business?

– Grace

Dear Grace,

It’s clear why you two are friends—both of you lack the balls to man up.

Also, I hope you don’t call yourself a Singaporean. Everyone knows that Singaporeans aren’t capable of great feats such as minding their own business.

So tell her how you feel, from one ball-less friend to another. Then watch her ignore your advice and proceed to get married anyway.

Now, you wait.

Once the divorce papers are signed, you can tell her, “I told you so”.

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Dear Kelleigh,

I was with someone who was perfect for me but kept pushing him away because of my issues and now he’s gone forever. What do you have to say to me?

– Gwen

Dear Gwen,

Congratulations.

I hope you enjoy singlehood, where you’ll have to pay for all your shit yourself, whine about your problems to a wall, and text yourself ‘good morning’ everyday. Sounds fun doesn’t it?

Secondly, grow up.

You sound like one of those girls who still believes that life is fair, that the Loch Ness Monster exists, and that Singapore is a democracy.

The perfect guy doesn’t exist. But you know what does?

Tinder.

When all the guys on Tinder start pushing you away, you might finally understand why you did what you did to this ‘perfect someone’.

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Dear Kelleigh,

Can I kneel during the National Anthem? Trump says N.F.L players who kneel during the anthem are disrespecting the flag, but others say it’s a sign of free speech and protest. What should I do?

– Patrioticguy99

Dear Patrioticguy99,

What am I, your mother?

Wake up and smell the haze, this is Singapore. No stars and stripes here.

In fact, it’s probably thanks to guys like you that Singapore’s seen as a nation of copycats with no creativity.

Besides, there’s no need to be so eager to kneel. As far as I can see, you have a whole future of kneeling that awaits you: during National Service, in front of your (ex) boss’ desk, outside your (ex) girlfriend’s house, before the Parking Summons Officer, etc.

Save your knees for when they will really make a difference.

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Every week, Kelleigh dishes out super realistic advice to readers in need. Have a question for Kelleigh? Email it to kelleigh@ricemedia.co.
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