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Dear Kelleigh,

I’m at Starbucks now and I can’t seem to find a seat because students are hogging all the seats. What should I do?

– Alan, 28

Dear Alan,

I’m glad you wrote in to me instead of penning a forum letter, whinging on Facebook, or complaining on Reddit like a pussy. You seem to want to do something about it, and I like that attitude. Here’s what I would do:

1. Find a table of four with one empty seat.

2. Sit down. Do not ask them for permission, do not say anything to them. Just plonk your ass down.

3. It will be awkward. Don’t panic, Singaporeans can’t handle awkward, and we are going to use this to your advantage.

4. Own the real estate. If you have a laptop, position it where everyone can see your screen. And then proceed to open Sammyboy Forums. Start surfing.

5. After 5 minutes, identify and isolate a target – ideally the shy, quiet one in the group who refuses to make eye-contact.

6. Make eye contact. And then wink, slowly.

At this point, there’s a 92% chance that everyone will leave, thus letting you enjoy the entire table for yourself. You might also get a slap in the face, but that’s okay. After all, no sacrifice, no victory. Right?

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Dear Kelleigh,

Every time I hang out with this friend of mine, he brings his girlfriend along. I’m not close to her, so we never really get to catch up properly since I don’t feel I can talk about personal things around her. At the same time, I don’t know how to get him to stop bringing her along. What do I do?

– Marcus, 27

Dear Marcus,

Let me rephrase your question – what you’re really asking me is “how do I let my friend’s girlfriend know that I want to be alone with her boyfriend, without actually saying it?”

If this is true, please consider the possibility that you might be attracted to your friend.

Sure, you might reject this notion at first, but think about it this way: feeling the need to talk about “personal things” with your guy friend is one step away from “sharing your feelings”. And you should never feel the need to share your feelings with another man unless you want to have sex with him.

Of course, this is not a bad thing. I can think of worse things than to be in love with your best friend. And if you really love him, then please grow a spine and fight for him. Look her in the eye and tell her to fuck off so that you and him can share some personal things.   

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Dear Kelleigh,

This guy that I’ve been going out with has been blowing hot and cold. First he tells me he loves me, and then he goes MIA for a week because he has to study for his exams. I’ve been stalking his IG Stories, and he’s def NOT studying. My friends tell me that I should cut him some slack because he’s a Scorpio, and Scorpios are known to behave this way.

What do you think?

 Melanie, 23

Dear Melanie,

I think that you should wake up and smell the proverbial coffee. I think that your boyfriend isn’t a Scorpio, he’s a Grade-A Dick.

Ever since women’s magazines introduced horoscope columns, people have been using their star signs to justify shitty behaviour. And people like you perpetuate this shitty cycle.

Furthermore, it is now a scientifically proven fact that people who believe in horoscopes also believe that masturbation gives them hairy palms. It’s an exclusive community made up of men and women who read Lang Leav on Sundays, and who are still “saving themselves for the one”.

Do you really want to be a part of this group? No, right?

So please, be a Virgo or whatever sign that doesn’t take bullshit and dump his sorry ass.

Best regards,

Kelleigh

Every week, Kelleigh dishes out super realistic advice to readers in need. Have a question for Kelleigh? Email it to kelleigh@ricemedia.co.
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