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Chee Soon Juan is Ripped, That’s Why He Will Never Be in Parliament

Chee Soon Juan is Ripped, That’s Why He Will Never Be in Parliament

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Chee Soon Juan is more hardcore than all of you useless millennials.

While you spent your Sunday morning hiking up the Treetop Walk for that #Fitspo selfie for the gram, the 56 year-old Secretary General of the SDP (Singapore Democratic Party) was completing a sprint triathlon at East Coast Park.

The highlight, however, was not the fact that Dr Chee accomplished a feat most younger folks will never. Rather, the debut of his 5% body fat physique had us all wondering: is this what he spends most of his time on, or is his hunger strike in 92’ still ongoing?

If Donald Trump is the A5 wagyu of politicians, then surely Dr Chee is the much maligned cheeseburger patty.

Normally, waltzing through a feat of endurance like a triathlon (with 4% body fat, to boot) would be something to marvel at, nothing more.

However, for a politician like Chee Soon Juan, this is a clear indicator that he is spending too much time working out, and not actually working.

I see you scratching your head in disbelief.

Why wouldn’t we want a potential leader of our country to be showcasing his sweaty, immaculately enviable form? Why are we so quickly dashing your dreams of Singapore having its own Justin Trudeau?

Let me explain.

The thing is, you don’t get a body like Dr Chee’s by making weekly trips to the gym, where you proceed to engage in tear-laden, oscar-winning performances trying to convince your spin class trainer that you’re really, really pushing yourself. Trust me, I know this far too well.

Rather, joining a triathlon requires a great amount of stamina, which you can attain only by hyper-regularly committing to intense cardio workouts. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dr Chee spends at least 6 hours a day on the treadmill—valuable time that could be spent thinking of progressive economic initiatives to make Singapore great again.

As a growing nation, don’t you want Singapore’s politicians and leaders to be spending every waking hour of their days working on ways to make living life in our little red dot more bearable?

Look at our Emeritus Senior Minister Goh, for instance. Semi-retired, he still regularly posts on social media. Even while on his family holiday.

Clearly, this is a man who understands what it means to be #nevernotworking.

Don’t you wish Dr Chee were more like Emeritus Senior Minister Goh? Don’t you wish he didn’t spend so much time exercising and were more like our Members of Parliament, most of whom are full-time MPs who do not hold additional, well-compensated, full-time jobs?

How dare Dr Chee actually take time off to focus on himself and his incredible body?!

Being a good politician—or specifically a good leader—means that you sacrifice all of your personal time and plunge yourself into your work. As Singaporeans, we must accept nothing less. We must demand that Dr Chee stop leading such a healthy lifestyle, and turn to alcoholism, the only acceptable approach to managing this country’s affairs.  

Given Dr Chee’s perfectly sculptural 2% body fat dimensions, we know that he must spend at least a good 9 hours a day working out in the gym.

Why? Why work out when he can be exhorting Singaporeans to make more babies, be more innovative, and cultivate more resilience? If there’s any part of his body he should be exercising, it’s not his abs, his quads, or his glutes. It’s his mouth.

To this end, we have no choice but to infer that he puts his personal health and fitness before his country.

In our opinion, Dr Chee needs to look at the behaviour of our politicians, and take a hint. Many of them are so tired from sacrificing so much for their country, they have no choice but to take naps in parliament. Some can’t even make it out of bed.

image credit: edmwimg.wordpress.com
image credit: edmwimg.wordpress.com
This is how it should be done. Instead, Dr Chee is full of energy and enthusiasm.

It is extremely shameful, tbh.

Now let’s turn our attention to Dr Tan Cheng Bock. The veteran politician was supposedly retired, but caught a second (his favourite) wind after looking across the border and realising that life, like Dr Mahathir’s only begins at 93.

Recently, he hinted at the formation of a coalition of opposition parties which did not include either the SPP (Singapore People’s Party) or WP (Workers’ Party), which would basically be like a Justice League without Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.

Nevertheless, he has obviously been working tirelessly behind the scenes, and his 78 year-old paunch is proof of that. If Dr Tan showed up to the coalition meeting with rock hard abs and 1% body fat, both key physical characteristics that Dr Chee boasts, I’m sure that he wouldn’t be taken as seriously.

After all, Dr Tan is a simple man whose physique is a cross between a russian doll and Santa Claus. His lack of concern for his image will go hand in hand with the ruling party, as they are well-known for taking the time to listen to the Singaporean people in order to understand their needs. Unlike Dr Chee, the establishment refrains from making bold statements in public, and prefers to be silent and measured, but effective.

Should Dr Chee ever win a seat in parliament, we know that he would feed us only attractive stories that do not carry much weight, much like his own body, which has no fat at all to speak of.

One can only hope that Dr Chee has been exhausting himself with his triathlons so that in the event that he does get to parliament, he will finally pull up his socks, give in to the physical decline that comes with middle age, sink into the famous red seats at parliament, and fall into regular afternoon siestas as his peers take turns in pitching undeliverable promises.

Oh, sweet slumber.

image credit: theindependent.sg
image credit: theindependent.sg
Are you morbidly obese? Do you have aspirations to become a politician? Can’t tell that this is satire? Tell us at community@ricemedia.co.

Author

Shaun Tan Staff writer