The Integrated Programme that Singaporean Students Really Need
- Current Affairs
Dear esteemed applicant,
We are delighted to inform you that after careful consideration of your application, we have decided to award you a place in our integrated programme.
Your admission is evidence of the Admissions Committee’s confidence in your potential, as well as recognition of your unique personal qualities.
Today’s world is dynamic, unpredictable and ever-changing. #Adulting will only become even tougher, and at the end of this six-year journey, we are confident that our students will be hardened individuals who can easily overcome the challenges that typically stump the Singaporean millennial.
Do have a look at some of our courses in the booklet enclosed to get a feel of what’s to come in your six years with us. We look forward to receiving you for your orientation programme next year.
Learn the smart and fast way in Advanced Arithmetic.
In Defensive Communication, our oral communication experts will guide you through the various techniques that will help you survive a dog-eat-dog world.
Learn to use snarky phrases rather than outright accusations at the most opportune moments. For example, say, “Thanks Steve for putting the slides in the correct order,” instead of, “This presentation was put together no thanks to Steve’s absence,” when you’re at a meeting with board investors.
You will also understand the importance of covert tactics to deal with assholes in relationship circles, taking cues from Sun Tzu’s Art of War: “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”
i) How to avoid falling into the friendzone and, if you do, how to respond and move on to the next date.
ii) How to start and maintain a relationship? When your partner says “It’s okay,” does he/she really mean it?
iii) How to keep your heart and mind healthy after a break-up without resorting to alcohol.
The curriculum has been recently updated to help students overcome the challenges of online dating: swiping fatigue, inertia to meet a match, and identifying fuckboys, among other new topics.
No one has the means to hire a domestic helper when they’re 25. Our instructors will equip you with the skills to tackle one of #adulting’s biggest challenges so that you will look sharp out the door, and your Zara purchases will not be ruined by washing machine accidents.
Not even the government teaches you how to fulfil this responsibility expected of every citizen. Right now, apart from your Mum, your only resource is the IRAS website. With our easy-to-remember quick study guides, filing taxes will be just as annoying, but much less painful.
But hang on. Your parents warn you that investing in stocks is gambling; your friend John is promising you huge returns with cryptocurrency and investments in crazy ideas like an automated juice machine; MoneySmart says you should just play it safe by leaving it to the bank. Who is right?
In Personal Finance for Dummies, our instructors will help you make sense of all the contradictory information to make the best decision for your future, so that you don’t have to crunch numbers and then flip burgers just to afford a 3-room flat.
And then all of a sudden, you will have a little creature squirming in your hands as you ask yourself, “Why didn’t I use protection?”
There are tons of self-help books available to remedy this, but here at our institution, we believe in practical education. You will observe Tiger mums and laissez faire dads in action for half of the semester, before trying your hands at looking after an infant, toddler, and teenager for the final practical exam.
Being served by auntie A or uncle B can make all the difference between a meagre or generous portion of brinjals. Does beef rendang go better with kangkong or long beans? Also knowing whether the steamed egg is considered a meat or a veg by the stall will determine whether you have change for kopi.
This is our most popular class simply because of its timeless relevance to Singaporeans. You may receive the best liberal arts education in an Ivy League school, but you will still lose the rat race at Maxwell Food Centre because you weren’t prepared for lunch at all.
Is there a life skill you wish you had learnt in school? Feel free to design your own course and submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org.