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A North Korean Guide To Singapore, For Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un

A North Korean Guide To Singapore, For Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un

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Dear Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un,

Thank you for choosing Singapore for your peace summit with Trump. The working peoples of this humble capitalist backwater are honoured by your glorious presence.

Although Singapore is not a perfect socialist state like True Korea, we hope Supreme Leader can enjoy his stay in this bastion of imperialist aggression. To help you understand Singapore culture, our comrades have produced this HANDY GUIDE TO BOURGEOIS CAPITALIST REPUBLIC OF SINGAPORE.

All hail Marshal Kim Jong Un! May the beautiful rays of Juche socialism shine forth upon our darkness!

Weather

Image credit: Fallout 4
Do not be alarmed when you step off the plane. The blistering heat that you feel is not thermonuclear radiation, but the normal weather in Singapore.

Food

Image credit: gearpatrol.com
Singapore does not enjoy the abundant harvests of True Korea. Although the rich eat well enough, working peoples are often faced with starvation.

In fact, the famine here is so bad that many people take pictures of their food in order to better remember and cherish each meal. These idealised food images are then shared with friends and family to reassure their loved ones that they did not go hungry.

Many eating establishments in Singapore even add colourful chemicals to disguise the reality of a food shortage. These ‘rainbow’ foods are often successful in deceiving naive young comrades into thinking that they’ve eaten a real meal when all they’ve done is put sugared play-doh in their mouths.

Influencers

An Influencer is a person who makes a living by sharing images from their life. When people stop to look, they use it as evidence that they can sway the masses.

Instead of using such ‘influence’ to advance the cause of Juche like Eternal Leader Kim Jong-il or Eternal President Kim il Sung, they sell this ‘influence’ to corporations, who use it to make people buy things they do not need.

In Singapore, influencers are the proletariat’s true enemies. They are a class of parasites who do no real work, choosing instead to profit off the aspirations of the true labourers! #juche #marxism #materialistdialectic

Women

Image credit: iStock
I’m sad to report that Singaporean Women lack the virtue of their North Korean counterparts.

Not only do they dress immodestly in shorts, many women also choose to seek sexual companionship through a matchmaking service called ‘Tinder’.

Tinder

Image credit: Stomp
Tinder is the worst. On Tinder, you are expected to find a prospective partner by looking at random pictures from the lives of complete strangers. But how can one choose a mate when these so-called profiles contain zero information about the comrades’ socialist credentials or how much they love Supreme Leader?

I would advise Supreme Leader to avoid Tinder. Many a loyal comrade has been devastated by the fascist scoundrels who profess revolutionary ardour, only to disappear when you message them the next morning to chat about Marxism.

Transport

Image credit: Wikipedia
Singapore’s public transport system is one of the most heavily militarised in the world. To operate a train service like SMRT, one must first attain the rank of Brigadier-general in the Armed Forces.

The reasons for militarisation are unclear, but most experts agree that it is an anti-communist measure.

Everyone knows that communists love trains. Supreme leader has a special armoured train and the Chinese are obsessed with high-speed rail. My own socialist feelings were first awakened after watching Thomas The Tank Engine, who resembles a locomotive Stalin sans Moustache.

The government therefore installs military strongmen at the helm of public transport services as a means of safeguarding them from communist influence. I can see no other reason why they would want a man with no experience of engineering or administration to manage this vital industry.

HDB

Image credit: SDP
There are two types of housing in Singapore: private and public. Bourgeois pigs live in private housing while the working masses are confined to state-produced concrete pillboxes called ‘HDBs’.

To qualify for shelter, one must either serve the state till 35 or marry a comrade of the opposite sex to produce labour for the capitalist overlords.

Naturally, few people want to bring new life into such shackled conditions. The situation is so dire that the government has appointed a ‘Procreation Tsar’ to cheer-lead reproduction amongst our Panda-like populace.

Entertainment (Media)

Image credit: Dramafever.com
Most of the cultural activities available in Singapore are sponsored by the enemies of communism.

Boy-girl romances produced by the South Korean puppet state are highly popular. They suggest that true happiness can be found by marrying a handsome Oppa, preferably one with lots of money.

What lies! Everyone knows that happiness can only be attained when male and female comrades work hand-in-hand to attain the ideals of juche socialism.

Fairy tales aside, many people also enjoy western ‘Netflix’ productions. These are usually decadent spectacles of sex, violence and power; fantasies designed to distract from the everyday violence inflicted by bourgeois oppressors.

Nightlife

Image credit: Wikipedia
Singapore boasts a wide range of nighttime entertainments to distract its workers from their wage-slavery. There are many bars, nightclubs and bridges where workers can spend their hard-earned money on alcohol to ease the stress of earning their hard-earned money.

Another popular option is Geylang, where male comrades can discuss socialism intimately with willing comrades of the opposite sex. Beware though, this hotbed of revolutionary passion is often raided by the police.

Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is the most beautiful comrade-marshal. I challenge anyone to name a leader who is more devoted to the global cause of class struggle and worker’s liberation. His example inspires us all to work extra hard against the reactionary provocateurs who will no doubt angry emoji this article.

All Hail Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un! May the bounty of Juche socialism Make Singapore Great Again!

Your loyal comrade,

Pan Jie

Social Media Commissar, People’s Committee For The Advancement Of Marxist Marketing

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Pan Jie Staff writer