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Life Hacks For The Bored And Insane #1: Surviving Lunch In Hot Weather

Life Hacks For The Bored And Insane #1: Surviving Lunch In Hot Weather

  • Culture
  • Life
Stop me if this sounds familiar.

You and your colleagues are heading out for lunch together. As usual, nobody knows where to go, so a makeshift committee convenes in the lobby.

After 4 rounds of “I anything one”, some brave soul finally makes the call.

“We’ll decide along the way!” he decides, and everyone shuffles off in the general direction of food.

But fools that you are, you’ve forgotten about Singapore’s noontime weather.

By the time you return, everyone is drenched in sweat and ready to collapse from heat exhaustion. Needless to say, the post-lunch meeting is less lively than a three-day conference on Microsoft Excel.

If this is an accurate description of your lunchtime ordeal, then you are in luck.

Here at Rice Media, we take workplace productivity very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that we took it upon ourselves to conquer Singapore’s biggest obstacle to productivity: The Aimless Lunchtime Expedition.

Our solution: The Rice-Media-Lunchtime-Temperature-Distance-Chart (™), which shows you the recommended travel distance for any sort of weather.

It looks something like this:

The dot in the middle represents the air-conditioned sanctuary of your office.
Each circle represents the maximum distance you are allowed to forage on any given day.
The higher the temperature, the smaller the circle. On a 24°C day, you may venture up to 800m from homebase. If the weather is above 33°C, then you should probably just starve because it’s a more pleasant way to die than catching fire.
Grab a pencil and mark out every food establishment within 800m radius of your desk.
Of course, let’s not pretend that all food establishments are created equal. If you chose hawker centre briyani over hipster salad in a cafe, the odyssey home will be much more trying.

That’s why we added modifiers to make this system more ‘dynamic’.

[-1] indicates a choice that’s one circle smaller, while [+1] means the opposite. If there’s a birthday to celebrate [+3], you have license to wander 800m out even if the weather feels apocalyptic. Office etiquette demands it.

Feel free to modify the modifiers. I have tested this a total of zero times but I am absolutely confident that it works.

Directions for use: Check the temperature on your phone, then consult the chart.

Sample problem: It is 32°C and the weather is clear, where can Xiao Ming go for lunch?

Answer: ‘Chye Seng Huat Coffee, ABC Muslim, or Punggol Nasi Lemak. But also Mahota because it serves ‘clean-eating’ cuisine (+1). City Square Mall is also an option because it has air-conditioning. (+1)

Spread the word and save your fellow man from sweat and lethargy. Or just use it for a game of darts.
Last but not least, ask HR for permission to pin this chart to the door.

Studiously ignore their expressions of bewildered confusion and/or terror. They will thank you for your wisdom after they experience the chart’s miraculous powers firsthand.

A psychiatrist might be called to evaluate your mental stability, but hold fast to your beliefs and never let go. Gandhi did it and so can you. It will all be worth it when The Boss promotes you for improving efficiency tenfold. Future generations will drink to your vision and Prime-Minister-to-be Chan Chun Sing will shake your hand for making Smart Nation smart again.

When those nice men from IMH come knocking, just close your eyes and pretend it’s the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. Remember: Only God and history can judge you.

Do you have any feedback about the Rice-Media-Lunchtime-Temperature-Distance-Chart version 1.0 (™)? Contact tech support at community@ricemedia.co

Author

Pan Jie Staff writer