The last time I slept with someone was in 2008, when I was 15.
Unfortunately, it was in a tent with my friend Eric during a school camp at Kota Tinggi, where I returned with leadership skills and a scar from an unfortunate encounter in the dark (I’m not saying what, so let your imagination run free!).
That night, it was warm, cramped, and the mosquitoes wouldn’t stop coming. Yet despite the unholy union that was the body odour of two 15-year-old boys who couldn’t care less about personal hygiene, the sleep, when it finally came, was the best I’ve had all my life.
Ten years have passed, and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When I finally figured out why I slept so well that night, I realised it was because I had the warmth of another living, breathing human being beside me, cradling me into sweet slumber.
Today, as a single guy, I don’t have the luxury of a girlfriend to call over when I need some loving and cuddling. Accordingly, I’ve had to make a few adjustments in order to emulate the conditions of Fateful Night 2008.
And so behold the results! All of which I recommend for those also looking to alleviate the torment they endure from being #ForeverAlone.
1. Pillow Fort
Designed with my sense of insecurity and fear of sleeping alone in mind, a pillow fort allows me to retain most of the space I need from being a man of reasonable heft who also happens to be sleeping on a Single bed.
Unless I was dating Verne Troyer’s daughter, it would almost be impossible for another person to fit on the bed with me. Using pillows to replicate the comfort and security one can get from sleeping beside someone is a practical way to combat that problem.
I pride myself in being an old-fashioned kind of guy, which is why I also have a stuffed bear in my fort at all times. As I shelter Grizzly of We Bare Bears from the harsh realities of the world outside, I can practise giving my future girlfriend the comfort and security she needs.
2. Bolster Beau
For those who need to tend to their visual needs, this method is particularly effective.
Simply print a picture of your secondary school or celebrity crush, and stick it on your bolster. This will allow you to to physically hug the bolster while staring at the picture intently, making it feel like a VR simulation for sad, lonely men.
I picked Constance Wu, who is what the Caucasian man tells Asian people is the quintessential standard of Asian beauty. After watching Crazy Rich Asians, I agree.
Pulling a shirt over the bolster helps to bolster (it was right there) that optical illusion by giving it a touch of realism. Additionally, you can use tissue paper to embellish (read: add padding) where necessary.
If you are going to do this, I strongly advise you print the image on high quality paper, or laminate if need be. From past experiences, I realised that the paper tends to get a little damp. From drooling.
3. ASMR
If you have no one to whisper sweet nothings to you, fret not. Try ASMR.
ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Median Response) videos on YouTube are basically people talking in hushed tones to trigger a sensory release, and are extremely popular.
Try it, and you’ll find that there’s just something so relaxing about listening to someone talk about the most mundane things—so long as they are whispering it. It’s almost like they’re putting their tongue in your ear. Almost.
My personal favourite features ASMRMommy counting up to and then down from a hundred. As a writer, I’m guilty of not flexing my mathematical muscles enough, and this video coaxes me to count up to three digits while slowly getting massaged to sleep by a seductive whisper.
Plus, just look at those lips.
I’m sorry Mommy for not being better at maths.
4. Scented Candles
Finally, it’s time for the sense of smell.
I initially covered my pillows from top to bottom with vanilla scented body butter from The Body Shop, the reason being that it’s what an ex-girlfriend used, and I am a very, very sad man.
While it reawakened my sense of smell, it proved to be an extremely greasy sleeping experience, comparable to hugging someone covered in vaseline.
Improvisation became necessary.
Scented candles proved to be a worthy alternative, providing all the same aromatic properties with none of the lubrication.
While it might seem like I got a bit carried away with the Constance shrine, I assure you that that it’s merely reflective of my obsession with my Connie-Bear.
As it was the Hungry Ghost Festival, I also borrowed some toys from my dog to serve as her Ox-head, Horse-faced handmaidens.
5. Back To Basics
One morning, after a particularly sleepless night where Connie-Bear wouldn’t stop snoring, I chanced upon Haylee, a mattress site which sold memory foam mattresses. I had heard good things about memory foam, but the key characteristic that drew my attention was the fact that it literally moulds to the shape of your body.
Having never known what a hug feels like, I figured that this would be the best alternative.
Plus, they offered same-day delivery and a 100-day return policy, so if I didn’t like it, I could always return it.
What followed wasn’t just the best sleep of my life. I also realised that I have a lot of love to give, but receiving it in return has always been the problem. Even as a child, my mother never kissed me back.
While all the previous methods did work to some varying degree, my REM was never as intense as that night in Kota Tinggi. Until this mattress.
Perhaps I’ve always needed to be huggee rather than the hugger.
These days, I spend every afternoon in the office counting down the hours till I can jump back into the warm embrace of my Haylee mattress and Constance.
Sometimes, I feel that I don’t even need a girlfriend, seeing as I’ve already found the perfect sleep setup.
Okay, maybe not.
I want a girlfriend. I think I might even need one, just for sanity.
I’ll even upgrade to a queen-sized Haylee mattress so that there’s space for all three of us.
Please?
Drank all the warm milk at home? Finished counting all the sheep in New Zealand? Don’t bother. Save yourself the trouble by getting a Haylee mattress today.
This post is sponsored by Haylee.
