Singapore is rightly celebrated for its delicious food, but let’s not pretend that every dish is a masterpiece.
Japan has square melons, China has dog meat and America has tide pods. In Singapore, we have our fair share of the lame and the pointless. For every awesome concoction like Chicken rice, we get triggering non-foods like …
1. Chicken Rice Soup
If you own a time machine, do not use it to kill Hitler. The right thing to do is to go back and kill whoever invented chicken rice soup.
In fact, if Hitler had a time machine, he would also go back and destroy chicken rice soup, because that’s how pointless this so-called ‘soup’ is.
Don’t get me wrong, chicken soup can be great if prepared correctly. However, chicken rice soup is not chicken soup in the same way that ketchup is not a vegetable. Calling your MSG-infused water a ‘soup’ insults turtle soup, kambing soup, and other real soups who are currently suing for libel.
In the entire history of Singapore, there is not a single person who has tasted more than three spoonfuls in earnest.
Why? Because only the truly insane will look at chicken rice and think: “This savoury and complex dish is perfect, now all I need is a bowl of tepid salt water.”
Chicken rice soup is not just a pointless broth. It is also a threat to Singapore’s national security. After all, It is well known that Singapore has a water shortage and war is declared if Malaysia ever cuts off our water supply. Imagine how much water is wasted everyday in the making of chicken rice soup.
MILLIONS OF LITRES.
This makes chicken rice soup the world’s most dangerous iteration of boiled water, bringing our country closer to war every day.
We need to stop this now. Report chicken rice soup on SGsecure immediately.
2. Token Cucumber Slices
Cucumber is the most worthless vegetable.
This is not an opinion, but a scientific fact. According to its wikipedia page, the cucumber is 95% water and ‘supplies low content of essential nutrients’. In fact, the only notable nutrient it provides is Vitamin K, which most diets do not lack in the first place.
“But I like cucumber slices! The cooling cucumber balances out your heaty/jelak dish!”
That’s where you are wrong. This idea works in principle if your cucumber slice came straight from a jug of icy-cold spring water. In reality, that sad cucumber slice has been emulsifying under a heat lamp for about 6 hours before it was granted the mercy of Death by Nasi Lemak.
But even its passing achieves nothing—I have travelled the span of time and space with Grandpa Rick—there is no dimension where a single cucumber slice can balance out fried chicken, sambal, and 100g of coconut milk.
Despite its evident worthlessness, cucumber slices are everywhere. Your chicken rice comes with with triangular cuts of cucumber, your satay is served with cucumber chunks, and every sambal sits atop a makeshift cucumber tray. Even the Western stalls feel compelled to add a token slice of cucumber next to the coleslaw.
There is only one possible explanation for this omnipresence: The Illuminati. Ban cucumber slices before the lizard people take over our planet.
3. Neslo
Neslo is a drink made from Nescafe plus Milo. I use the term ‘drink’ rather loosely because everyone knows that Neslo is 0.01% water and 99.9% sugar.
Do not worry if you have never tried Neslo because it is very easy to make. Just take the largest bag of sugar you can find and pour into a cup of hot water. Then close your eyes and imagine that it is brown.
That is a completely accurate description.
A quick history lesson: Neslo was first invented in 1944 as a chemical weapon by the Swiss arms manufacturer Nestle. Just 1mg of it is enough to cause diabetes in adult human males. If more than 3mg is ingested, you go into a coma.
Thankfully, World War 2 ended before the Nazis could deploy enough Neslo to fight off Captain America.
Despite being banned by the United Nations as a weapon of mass destruction, Neslo continues to be used by third-world military dictatorships bent on violence and political oppression. Some say that Kim Jong Un is close to developing his own version of Neslo.
4. Non-Spicy Otah
As a Singaporean citizen, I do not agree with the Internal Security Act because I think that nobody should be jailed indefinitely without trial.
However, I am happy to make an exception for the heretics who eat non-spicy Otah.
Non-spicy Otah is not Otah. I hold this truth to be self-evident and I hope that it will one day be enshrined in our pledge, that regardless of race or religion, we are one people united in our contempt for this ridiculous parody of seafood. If you need an explanation for why this pale abomination is not real Otah, here is Australia’s Immigration website.
Imagine the smell of lightly charred attap leaves, the softness of spicy fish meat that melts into flavour on the tongue within a few seconds of chewing.
Now imagine that there’s no Chilli.
I vomited in my mouth a little just writing that paragraph and so should you. I mean, just look at the thing. It looks like Lord Voldemort’s liposuction remains. *shivers
5. Chocolate Sauce Prata
If people who eat their prata plain should be avoided, then those who eat it with chocolate sauce will most likely die alone.
Prata is great. Chocolate is great. Eating Prata with sugar is even forgivable you are an unbaptised child. However, the act of combining those foods is a waste of both good prata and Hershey’s chocolate sauce.
In fact, I consulted the Book of Revelations and found this visual depiction of Chocolate Prata on page 234.
Furthermore, Chocolate Prata should not exist because it is backwards. Its existence shows us that Singaporeans are still under the thumb of our white colonial masters.
Think about it. Chocolate Prata was invented because someone looked at a French Crepe and thought: ‘Oh no, we need to live up to that.’
No. Just no.
This is the kind of defeatist colonial mentality that has no place in a progressive 21st century Singapore. Prata is perfect as is and it should not bow to anyone, least of all the French. On the contrary, it is the crepe that should kneel before Prata. The next time you dine out in a French bistro, demand that your crepe be served kosong with curry.
Some people will say that this list is pointless because cucumber slices have never hurt anyone.
Those people are wrong.
As the Singapore Police Force often reminds us: ‘Low crime doesn’t mean no crime.’ If we are complacent about pointless foods like non-spicy otah, it will not be long before we are invaded by the Asparagus water and Tide pod pizzas.
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