First coined by the American comedian Russell Peters, the term refers to an affliction characterised by symptoms such as having one’s freedom permanently curtailed and the soft drone of incessant nagging. This might sound manageable to some, but research has shown that it affects the majority of men in committed relationships at least once in their lifetime.
Just over six months ago, my best mate Jude succumbed to the disease when the idiot proposed to his long-term girlfriend. As he sat us boys down and told the story of how much he was looking forward to being stuck with Onegina for the rest of his life, every single one of us knew that we weren’t going to let Jude go without a fight.
As his appointed best man, the task of planning his stag night naturally fell to me. Today, with a little help from Shopee, we’re going to give him a day he wouldn’t be forgetting anytime soon.
Eventually, he appears with his bride-to-be in tow. Right, it’s now or never boys. Six months of planning comes down to this.
Springing into action, we take the couple by surprise. As rehearsed, I quickly slap the blindfold on Jude while Nick, Jay and Kai secured his flailing limbs with fluffy pink cuffs. Our resident boy-scout Ming, then applies the finishing touches with the rope we bought. In all of 45 seconds, Jude is a bound and gagged heaving mass on the floor.
With a quick promise to Jude’s fiancé that nothing too wild would happen, we stuff him in the boot of the car and by doing so, mark the beginning of the stag night shenanigans.
Removing the blindfold and cuffs, Jude opens his eyes to a small array of beauty products that we got at a steal on Shopee’s daily Flash Deals. He inspects our gifts before bursting into laughter when we announce that it’s time for the man to learn a thing or two about pampering himself.
I mean, the dude’s skin care routine involves just of a handful of water and whatever tee shirt he happens to be wearing that day—an insult to what we say we have in store for him.
Perhaps our acting’s too good because at this point, Jude genuinely looks a little crestfallen; I mean, a bachelor party spent man-scaping and sipping on herbal tea is fucking lame. We know it, he knows it. But to his credit, he takes it on the chin and obeys our orders to use the pore packs and waxing strips.
After witnessing the look of agony on his face as he yanks the third waxing strip off a hairy leg, us boys decide to put Jude out of his misery. It’s time for something more suited to the outdoorsman in our midst: paintball. With a twist of course.
Having served national service with the guy, I knew he was a good shot. But the growing welt on my arm is a painful reminder of just how accurate the marksman can be. Vowing to make him pay, I give the signal and the gunfire pauses for a moment.
Assuming the round is over, Jude abandons his hiding spot and slowly walks to the middle of the battlefield for what he presumes is a debrief.
L-O-L. What a noob.
As soon as he’s within range, the pellets start flying again. But unlike the rest of the afternoon, this time we’re aiming for one place and one place only. Okay, two if you’re being pedantic.
Both of Jude’s heads have now turned into targets for the dozens of multi-coloured balls intent on painting the rainbow on his bits. Even Ming and Jay who were on his team join in the fun as Jude’s sweet cries of agony echo around the battlefield.
After the last paintball hits its mark and our sides are done aching from the schadenfreude, we regroup around the crumpled heap of a man and issue an ultimatum:
Either the boys buy another round of ammo and Jude faces the firing squad all over again, or we take a picture of him with nothing on except his underwear and the nipple tassels—stuff Kai easily found on Shopee’s China Marketplace. I know, pretty amazing what you can get with a devious mind and a credit card.
Hand cupping his testicles, Jude wisely opts for the latter.
And so we end up with this:
Just one thing though. We weren’t going as a party of six. Oh no. The swanky restaurant down the street was expecting one table of five and a second intimate dinner for two. Perplexed as to who the latest addition to his bachelor party could be, Jude curiously asks if we invited his fiancé Kelly, to dinner.
Jesus wept.
It was as if the twenty years of friendship we shared meant absolutely jackshit to the guy. Shaking our heads in disbelief, Kai then introduces Jude to his date for the evening. After inflating her, that is.
Just in case you were wondering, Shopee’s “Miscellaneous” category is a treasure trove for fellow stags looking to torment a groom-to-be. I actually got lost in the wading through the world of giant blow-up objects: from sumos and santa outfits to clown suits and dinosaurs.
Taking it/her in his hand, Jude fearlessly accepts our challenge to spend an entire meal treating our inflatable friend as if she were real. In fact, Jude does so well that we can’t help wondering if he’s actually enjoying it.
Now I’m not going to lie. Watching one of your buddies try to convince a posh waiter that his inflatable date complained the iced water was “too tap” is bloody hilarious.
(Kels, if you’re reading this, feel free to give your new husband the cold shoulder whenever he says something that pisses you off. He’ll manage just fine, trust me.)
Literally.
In a test to see if our brother-from-another-mother is able to financially support his bride should retrenchment ever come a-knocking, we issue Jude yet another challenge: he has to busk until he can afford a mug of beer.
You see, what many people don’t know is that hidden beneath the rugby boy exterior lies the voice of an angel. Back when we were kids, Jude was already stealing hearts with that pitch-perfect voice in our primary school’s choir.
Despite his last public performance being close to fifteen years ago, Jude looks genuinely pleased when we clue him in on his next task of the night. Needless to say, the natural-born showman passes with flying colours.
Such is the allure of Jude’s voice that his rendition of “Hey Jude” (Nick thought it would be apt) stops passers-by in their tracks. They’re mesmerised and as he nears the end of the song, Jude receives a roaring round of applause from everyone in the immediate vicinity. That and a handful of $2 notes.
What a dick.
As we rock up to a seedy karaoke bar in the heart of town, everyone shoots us long, hard stares. Frankly, I don’t blame them.
While there’s nothing particularly unusual about six single guys partying together, I’m willing to hazard a guess that none of them have ever seen what appears to be Ash Ketchum and five of his coolest, tropical Pikachus walk into the joint.
Soon, with a blood-alcohol level of 0.absolutelysmashed, Jude grabs the makeup kit Ming has brought along and follows his instructions. Turning to the table of ladies sitting next to us, he drops this gem of a line.
“I know I’m not pretty but could you touch me up?”
Holy fuck dude. Your mission is to convince a female stranger to doll you up, not get arrested for sexual harassment.
Snapping out of our alcohol-induced daze, we prepare to drag Jude away while apologising profusely. Thankfully, she bursts into a fit of giggles and agrees.
Another round of shots later, the boys and I go to check on him and see this:
Makeup: $12
These pictures: Priceless.
Looking halfway between Heath Ledger’s Joker and a mangled drag queen, Jude definitely isn’t a sight for sore eyes. But it doesn’t matter. At this point in the night, we’re too shit-faced to care.
Thanks to the alcohol, we’re also feeling pretty good about ourselves as we push Jude towards the empty dance-floor, urging him to do his best harlem shake. This despite the guy on the mic performing a heartfelt cover of “Love Me” by Collin Raye.
Perfect. Time for the last task on our stag night to-do list.
Now, as every man knows, no legit bachelor party would be complete without strippers. But there was one small problem: our idiot friend had sworn to his fiancé that no undressed female would come within a twenty-metre radius of him. And because we wanted to maintain visitation rights, we could only suck it up.
That said, there was a loophole to be exploited. To our knowledge, Kelly never said anything about us doing the stripping.
Over our friend’s near lifeless body, Nick and I begin the slow and sensual art of removing our onesies, revealing the French maid costumes we had on underneath. At less than $3 each, it was quite literally a tiny price to pay for bestowing Jude with memories that would last a lifetime.
Equal parts repulsed and entertained, he basks in our magnificence before blacking out with a huge smile on his face.
But now that the massive hangover has passed, and I’m standing behind the groom at the altar, I find myself with only one thing left to say.
Jude, on behalf of all your homeboys, thank you for being such a good sport and making your stag night a massive success. You aced every challenge Shopee and us could think to throw at you, earning yourself the title of “legend” in our books.
Good luck with the Onegina brother. You will be dearly missed.
About Shopee:
Shopee is the leading e-commerce platform in Southeast Asia and Taiwan. It is a platform tailored for the region, providing customers with an easy, secure and fast online shopping experience through strong payment and logistical support. Shopee aims to continually enhance its platform and become the region’s e-commerce destination of choice.
Shopee has a wide selection of product categories ranging from consumer electronics to home & living, health & beauty, baby & toys, fashion and fitness equipment.
Shopee, a Sea company, was first launched in Singapore in 2015, and has since expanded its reach to Malaysia, Thailand, Taiwan, Indonesia, Vietnam and the Philippines. Sea is a leader in digital entertainment, e-commerce and digital financial services across Greater Southeast Asia. Sea’s mission is to better the lives of consumers and small businesses with technology, and is listed on the NYSE under the symbol SE.
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